Choosing a career was difficult for me because I love a lot of fields of study. This makes directing so satisfying because in the storytelling I am able to indulge in each minutiae of each character and place and circumstance and it feels good to KNOW a lot of things as this process unfolds for each project. It’s like, the most funnest thing ever.
Theater combines the many disciplines I love into one. The director sits in the middle, so that’s where I found myself.
And then halfway through grad school I found myself married to the man of my dreams with a new baby in my arms standing at the practical outskirts of the virtual compendium of all feminist discourse and diatribe and I was stuck.
To put it simply, where simplicity is obviously inadequate: Career or Family? Can I “have it all”?
Jumping forward to now, I chose to put family first. I look at this portion of my life, co-managing a household and bearing and raising children, as part of my career. It is indeed a part of EVERY mothers’ work experience, no matter how many human resource departments or resume-writing tutorials tell you otherwise. And as an artist, my life is the subject of my work. Without living the life I want as a wife and mother, I have no artistic platform.
But it took me a bit to figure this out. Here’s something that helped me.
I stumbled upon a writing prompt on Steve Pavlina’s site called How to Discover your Life’s Purpose in about 20 Minutes. His site “helps people grow as conscious human beings” and includes his own take on a variety of topics from How to Build a Strong Work Ethic to How to Cook Brown Rice. It’s a great website. You could get lost in distraction there, as I did, when I found this SIMPLE writing exercise that helped me find new resolve within myself to go bravely forward.
*Note: It is worth stating at this point that I am not receiving any kickback monetarily or otherwise from mentioning Steve Pavlina. I just admire his work and have found some of his ideas helpful to me. Perhaps they could be to you.*
You can check out the link to see the whole post. But basically, OH so basically, you make a list of things you think MIGHT be your life’s purpose and you just keep writing, stream of consciousness, until one of the ideas moves you to tears. Yep, that’s it. Just write and write until you get so emotional about something it causes you to physically stop. You’re there. You found it. Congratulations, you discovered Your Life’s Purpose.
Seemed easy enough (and a little scary… what if it worked?). So, on March 12, 2012, I sat down at my computer and did the exercise. Here is, unedited, what I wrote.
My purpose in life is to
raise a family in Christ
start a church
encourage John to become a pastor
start a theater
*give birth as many times as possible
travel the world
make the most beautiful home possible for my family
learn magic tricks
become a chef
write a blog
design clothing for wealthy people
become one of the wealthiest people in the world
design tree houses
*be the best mother I can be to as many children as I can
*give birth to as many children as possible; nurture and educate my children
start a school
start a summer camp
start a theater
*embrace the childhood experience and enhance it for my children
*make my children’s lives as magical as possible
*give birth as many times as possible; embrace the magic of childhood; provide a safe and creative space for my children to thrive; teach my children the secrets of the universe
It took about 15 minutes. As items made me choke up, I marked them with an asterisk. I started combining some of the marked items into a more specific bundle of things and as I wrote the last two lines I just lost it. Sobbed. For several minutes straight I was crying aloud, kind of praying, just existing in the moment, rereading the last two lines again and again. I was there. I found it. Congratulations, I discovered My Life’s Purpose.
Rereading the list now, I am not crying. Far from it. I feel light. I feel centered and whole, like walking down the center of the sidewalk in the early morning when no one is around to divert your path or right of way.
I still do many of the things on the list, and many I would like to do in the future. But AFTER this precious time. In the NEXT season, when the members of my family are searching for their own purposes and I am ready to sit down with pen and paper and write a new list of ideas until I am again, gratefully, moved to tears.
What processes have helped you structure your future? What difficult choices have been made easy knowing you are on the path made for you? I would love to hear from you. Leave a comment below and let’s keep the conversation going!